Christians Can’t Wait to Adopt Babies from Caravan Heading North

Originally published in The Satirist on October 31, 2018

WASHINGTON — As a caravan of more than 7,000 Central American migrants heads north toward the U.S., Christians around the country are getting adoption papers ready. Once the children are separated from their parents at the border, they will be eligible for adoption by any one of these hopeful American families.

We’ve been wanting to adopt for a long time, and now it seems God has finally answered our prayers,” said one woman who traveled to the U.S. Customs and Border Protection in Tucson to submit her application in advance.

Said one customs official who asked to remain anonymous, “Last time there were only about two hundred kids ineligible for reunification. We’re hoping numbers are a bit more this time around, given such high demand.”

At an event with the Washington Post, Vice President Mike Pence said there were probably Middle Eastern babies riding in the caravan as well. When pressed for a response to Pence’s claim, President Trump told the dishonest press not to worry. “Once they’re separated from the parents, there’ll be no way to tell them apart, ok?”

Another high level administration official, who only identified himself as “not Stephen Miller”, said he actually hopes there are Middle Eastern babies in the mix. “The Muslim Ban will keep their parents out, so separating those kids will be even easier.”

When asked if they have any moral qualms with keeping the children and deporting their parents, many Christians say they are just trying to show the love of God however they can. “Jesus said ‘let the little children come to me,’” said one pastor in Phoenix encouraging his congregation to submit applications. “He didn’t say anything about taking the parents, too.”

It’ll be well past the midterm elections when the caravan finally reaches the U.S. border. But that won’t keep politicians from talking about it now, or stop hopeful parents from praying for a baby on the way.

Millennial & bi in Portland, Maine. Thinking about politics & believing in justice. @CharlesSkold

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store